I don’t want you to be a perfect man. I want someone who’s going to put up with my stupid jokes, make me laugh. Someone who’s willing to hold me when I cry. I don’t want you to think that you always have to be strong in front of me. I want you to know you can cry and that I will always be there. I want you to know I will love you no matter what. Even if you anger me, I’ll still love you. We’ll work through our issues together. Neither of us are alone in the journey we take. I want you to be the person who can make me laugh when I cry. And I want to be the person who can make you feel loved when you feel alone. I’m not perfect and I don’t want you to be perfect. I want you to be you and I’ll thank God that you are. So dear future husband, thank you for being your perfectly imperfect self and thank you for deciding to love me through my flaws.
Recently I attended the Steubenville Mid-America Conference in Missouri (it is a Catholic event). It was an amazing experience and I hope I can go again. Over the weekend, one of the events they had us attend, was adoration. Now adoration is a time where we are presented before God and we spend time in worship and praise. For many people, adoration can be a very intense time. For me, it’s a time of worship, but also a time of questioning. I feel so close to God in that moment and I’m overcome with anger and sadness and praise all at once. My adoration time is always spent asking God why. Why my sister is gone, why he took her. Asking where she is. Asking where he is. I can hear myself screaming in my head asking where he is.
This time was no different. I tried so hard to simply worship God in that moment. But it was so hard to worship him when I’m angry with him. Praise and worship music was being played during adoration. I did my best to sing along. Soon, Fr. Mike Schmitz began the Eucharistic Procession. He began to process around the auditorium full of hundreds of teenagers. Tears came to my eyes and soon I was crying. The music continued and Fr. Mike continued around the huge auditorium. I don’t even remember when or what set me off, but the tears came harder. My face was wet. My friend placed a hand on my shoulder. I was sitting on the ground in front of my seat crying. When Fr. Mike came past us, the song Reckless Love by Cory Asbury came on. I lost it. I couldn’t handle it. I was so close to God and could hear the message through the song. It was so beautiful, but at the same time, I felt my suffering so deeply at that moment. I grabbed the seat in front of me and I cried so hard I doubled over. I just let myself sob. People were standing up. I stayed on the ground. My friend still had her hand on my shoulder as she stood and I rested my head on the side of her leg and she got down with me to hug me. Once she had her arms around me I allowed myself to cry in her arms. I stayed on the floor and cried. Soon everyone was standing up to sing. I stood up with them, but I felt … depressed. After it was over, my youth group split into small groups. In the small groups, we were asked to pick a person and pray with each other. A close friend of mine and I chose each other. We started talking about things that are going on in our lives and we continued to once small groups were over. He looked at me and said that he was asked to pray 4 Our Fathers for someone else and he thought of me. He said he thought I needed it so he prayed them for me. I was so grateful and I felt cared for.
At youth group, we are sometimes asked what God moments we’ve had. That was definitely one of my God moments.
I am always struggling, but that adoration was unique compared to the others I’ve been to. And I thank God for the people I had around me.
I am fat. Society take away the lens that distorts your vision. In the eyes of God… I am beautiful. I am smart. My body size doesn’t matter.
Society take notes.
God does not judge us based on our looks or our brains.
He looks deeper.
He sees our heart.
God does not look at us and wish we were skinnier
or shorter or smarter.
and wish we were skinnier
or shorter or smarter. He looks at us and wishes
we would love him even more.
Society are you listening?
I am beautiful in my own skin.
I do not need to bleach my skin.
I do not need to cover the flaws on my face.
I do not need to hide the scars.
I do not need to lose or gain weight to fit your views of a beautiful girl.
weight to fit your views of a beautiful girl.
I am perfectly imperfect.
Stop trying to change us to fit what you desire!
We are people and people are not perfect.
How we got here I do not know. Women, stop tearing each
other down when you could be building each other up.
Don’t speak of how society
gives us high standards but then you go and shame
then you go and shame
your children or friends or siblings.
We will always struggle with these standards. We will always wish we looked a certain way. We will always want to be something different than what we are. That’s ok. Just don’t let it destroy you. We will feel imperfect as long as we are told we are. Tell someone right now that they are beautiful. Tell someone right now they are worth it. Tell someone. Just tell someone.
My sister… my sister was the most amazing sister I could have ever asked for. She forgave me no matter how much I screwed up. She continued to love me. She had such contagious laughter. She was… well she was amazing. We were so close as kids and once I got older, I started drifting further from her. I deeply, deeply loved and still love her, but I was less interested in playing with her and spending time with her. When I was 10, I had my own room for the first time. I began to spend a lot of time in my room and Maggie would come knock on my door asking me to play. I always gave her the same response.
“Maybe later.”
I never did.
We had times where we’d be laughing and smiling and just enjoying each other, but not often enough.
The day she died was the worst day of my life. My heart shattered into a million pieces. My baby sister… dying. It seemed unreal. It was like a movie. The entire day, I was in a daze. You know how when you’re dreaming, and you know you’re dreaming, and you look at something, but it has a look to it. Almost like it’s fuzzy. That’s what it was like. I’d look at the hospital bed and I’d feel cut off. Like it wasn’t happening. Like it was fuzzy.
As Maggie died, we sang Lord I Need You by Matt Meher to her. I tried to sing, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak, only cry.
The regrets that I felt after that were numerous.
I never talk about my sister. There never seems to be a reason to. People have stopped saying her name. Not because they don’t care, but because they’ve continued with their lives, and I have no hard feelings over that. Maggie… I never hear her name outside of home. Even at home I do my best to avoid her name. She… she left a hold in my heart that I’m not sure how to fix.
I feel empty. I feel hurt. I feel sad. I feel.
How is it possible to feel empty but at the same time to feel other things?
I’ve been missing people lately. I miss my sister, I miss my ex best friend. My ex best friend and I… nothing happened really. We just began to drift apart. I just cut her out finally. It hurts some days, when I want to tell her something I know she’d love to hear, and then she’s not there to tell.
I feel like there’s been so much hurt in my life. I don’t really think I should even complain because there are people who suffer much deeper than I do. Part of my hurt is my own fault. It had to do with my friendships. I was so attached to people and expected them to treat me the way I treated them. I’ve always been kind and I’ve always been more than willing to help others. In fact I put their needs before mine. But when they didn’t do so for me I was hurt. When I argued with people I felt like nobody gave a damn about how I felt. What was said in those arguments deeply hurt me. It was always the same person over and over. I knew better than to argue. I knew to just leave it be. But I couldn’t. I was stupid. And because of my foolish choices I ended up hurt and depressed. Then my sister died. Then I had to break off a friendship with someone I cared deeply for. Then I broke off another friendship just a few months after that. Then my best friend and I became ex best friends. I haven’t had a break. There’s always something wrong and it’s so hard to find the joy in my life.
I went to Nashville on a mission trip 4 weeks ago and every day we attended daily mass. One day during the homily, the priest said something that has stuck with me. He said that there is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness doesn’t last. It comes and it goes. But joy, joy is everlasting. I realized I was searching for the wrong thing. I was searching for happiness. Not joy. I still seek to be happy, everyone does, but now I know what I need. I need joy and I’m not sure how to get it when I feel like this. I can be happy yea. Everyday at least one thing happens that makes me happy. But it doesn’t last. It doesn’t extend into the next days. I want joy.
There’s so little that I feel going on in my head but yet there’s so much. It’s a numbing, painful storm.
I can’t tell you how much I miss my sister. It’s been an emotional, stressful, chaotic 14 months.
I don’t think my sister is alone or in pain anymore. I believe she’s in heaven. One of my friends lost one of his friends last year. Sometime earlier this year I heard him describe him for the first time. His friend seemed like such a loving soul. What was described about him made me think of my sister. At some point after, I asked his friend to find my sister in heaven and immediately I felt as though she wasn’t alone. I feel such peace when I think about them because I firmly believe he heard me and found my sister. I asked him to watch over her and I really think he’s doing just that.
My sister isn’t alone and that brings me comfort, but it doesn’t make me grieve any less. It’s almost like I’ve gotten used to her being gone, but I haven’t. When I think I’m over a regret that I have, I realize I’m not.
I know it’ll get better, I just wish I knew it was soon.
Rosie's Writing 