Rosie's Writing

The room is filling.

Soon it will be too late.

Soon it will cover my head and I will take my last gasp of air.

But it’s ok.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Inhale. Exhale.

The water rises.

Slowly, slowly.

No no no this is the wrong choice. Stop! Stop!

I throw my hands against the thick, glass walls that have entrapped my mind.

My hands tremble in pain.

No… no please… someone save me.

“Let us in!” they cry.

“Give up!” they scream.

“Let go!” they yell.

“You have no purpose. Let us fill your mind. Give in to our pain.”

Tears trace a path down my pale face.

The water is at my neck.

My body is going numb.

Soon I’ll be gone.

Just another person who gave in to the world.

The water is at my chin.

One more deep breath.

My body screams for air as the water slips above my head.

My eyes are sealed shut.

“Look!” a voice says.

“No!” I argue back.

My mind is tormented by the voices inside.

“Look!” they yell once more.

Against my will I open my eyes and feel the sting of the water as I struggle to see through the mucky water.

A shimmer of hope reaches my eyes.

A leak.

With any strength left in my now weakened body, I kick the glass wall.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Soon I will be nothing.

The water will take over.

Once more… just once more.

BAM.

The wall shatters.

Water floods out and over my mind.

I gasp as the new air rushes through my body.

The positivity that has invaded my prison envelops me in it’s arms.

An unfamiliar feeling disperses over me.

It’s an odd, warm feeling.

“Hope,” it whispers.

“Hope,” I repeat, “I have hope.”

You have a chance!

Tell her!

Tell her that her life is about to change.

Tell her life is going to hurt.

Tell her she’ll feel unloved and ignored.

Tell her she’ll look in the mirror and see an ugly person.

Tell her how deeply she’ll hurt when she loses that special one.

Tell her she’ll feel misunderstood and confused.

But tell her she’ll be forgiven,

Tell her she’ll be ok.

Tell her she is loved and she is noticed.

Tell her that she is beautiful.

Tell her the hurt will stop hurting as bad.

Tell her they understand and that the confusion will fade.

You have a chance to prepare her for this. If you don’t do it now she’ll live out her life wondering why no one did. Tell her now before it’s too late. Tell her now before the world swarms her and leaves her broken down. Tell her. Just tell her.

Mirror mirror

On the wall

Who am I in the eyes of all?

What have you done to yourself?

Ugly, unworthy, I could go on.

You say you’re pretty, you say you’re happy, you say you’re enough, when shoved deep, deep down in your mind there’s a fear of not being enough and the little voice telling you no one would want you. Saying you’re not pretty enough. Saying he wouldn’t want you. That little voice… something so insignificant causing so much struggle.

The world spins under your feet and you’re grasping for something… anything that would steady you. A whirlwind of harsh words and high expectations comes flying out of nowhere.

You’re worthless,

You have no purpose.

No one wants you.

He’ll never love you.

You are nothing.

No one would care if you left.

So many words… so much for one who is so unprepared. It’s as though someone has taken a mountain and placed it on my shoulders.

You have to grow up.

A mountain of growth for someone who can barely hold up a hill.

Fear, it lurks at every corner, just waiting to pounce.

Love, it stays no matter how much it hurts you.

Hope, it pulls away like a rope and you have to pull to bring it back.

Death, it leaves an unremovable stain.

Faith, it saves even when you don’t ask for it.

Life, it brings such pain and yet it brings so much joy.

Who am I? I’m the wrong person to ask. Instead of seeing a beautiful girl, I see an ugly, worn down girl who feels unloved and unwanted.

Who am I in the eyes of others?

You are worth it.

You are meant to do great things.

Anyone would be lucky to have you.

He cares.

You are priceless.

I care if you leave. 

You’re not as worthless as you think. Look around! You have a life ahead of you! One that’s meant to be explored, not just seen. You have so many people who love you and care about what happens, don’t let your own thoughts cloud your sight, because the minute you let it cloud your mind and eyes, the minute it becomes harder to breathe. Live, don’t just survive. Grieve, feel, explore, but don’t let you stand in the way of being you.

– Elizabeth

 

 

Death causes such a deep longing. One that people don’t expect to have. My sister has been dead for 13 months and one week. I always knew if she ever left I’d miss her and be lonely, but I never expected it to be like this. I’ll never be able to forget watching her die. I’ll never be able to forget how she would laugh or how she would smile. Such a beautiful soul. She was very much so too pure for this world. No one WANTS their loved one to die, but everyone wants them to be happy. Such a beautiful, smiling child deserves to be in a place where she has nothing to cry over. No more scraped knees, no more anger, no more tears. When she died, I shut myself off from my emotions. I locked away any bad emotion that came from her death. When I felt myself being even the slightest bit angry at her I shoved it deep down. I was numb to my grief. Eventually, I allowed that wall to slowly crumble and piece by piece the grief attacked me.

There are so many things about grief I didn’t know and wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t expecting the day to come where I can’t look at pictures of her from this time last year. She was dead this time last year. I wasn’t expecting to spiral into depression like I have. I wasn’t expecting to have anxiety. I wasn’t expecting to have days where I wake up and think that if something happened to me then no one would care. I wasn’t expecting any of that. No one tells you that one day you run out of photos to see. No one tells you that you’ll have days of hopelessness. No one told me that the very faith I have had since a child would shatter before my eyes.  I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t prepared to grasp at thin air, trying to take whatever I can grab. I wasn’t prepared to see my baby sister die.

Faith… something that is overlooked and is yet so necessary. I need faith. I need hope. I need love. I need Christ.

I plan on finding all of it.

– Elizabeth

There’s something more. Something more than the anger and depression. There’s something more than the anxiety and insecurities. There’s an entire world outside of my bubble.

My grief wasn’t real to me until February this year. I hadn’t let myself grieve. I automatically began to push away my feelings. It wasn’t until I was forced to face those emotions that I really began to grieve. I just want it to be over. I want to be free from the pains of grief. It hurts like nothing else and it affects everything else in your life. You don’t stay you. You change and it’s scary as heck. At least for me. I’ve spent so much time wishing I was the me I was two years ago, but it won’t happen. Pain shapes people.

I feel like life isn’t giving me a break. I lost Maggie, I had to break off a friendship after that, and then another friendship, and then another friendship. I never got a break. I don’t understand. I do understand that without my faith, I won’t get anywhere.

I want to continue acting. I want to go to college. I want to get married, have a family of my own. I cant have that until I grow.

Growing hurts. Growing can suck.

But it’s necessary.

 

Some people are meant to leave. Some people are meant to stay. Last year I had a friend, who became my best friend. I had met him the year before and we had talked for a little while and then we stopped talking. It wasn’t until last year in August when we really started talking. Very quickly we became very close. I began to care for him deeply. He was my best friend and I loved him because of that. I believed him when he said he loved me. I thought I was his best friend. I didn’t want anything more than that. He made me feel like someone had my back. He was there for me when I was struggling and I was there for him. In time, it got to the point where my parents and I didn’t see him as a stable person and I had to stop talking to him. The night my dad told me I had to stop talking to him, he told me my friend was just playing a game with me. It was all a game. It took so much to not break down in front of my parents.

I stopped talking to him. He stopped talking to me. Our entire friendship had been nothing. He had lied to me, manipulated me to stay friends with him, and I was incredibly hurt by it. For an entire month, he ignored me and acted like I didn’t exist, while I cried over him for that whole month, until one day he decided to come up to me and tap me on my shoulder and walk off like nothing happened. At that moment, every emotion I had put away came pouring back. I was shocked. I went outside and cried. After I had stopped talking to him I became scared to make friends. I was afraid that they would be like him. I got over the fear of making friends, but the fear that the friends I already have would turn out like him is still there. I trust my friends and I’m not afraid of them, but there’s a part of me that always remembers how deeply it hurt to find out he was lying and how much it hurt to let go. I shouldn’t be like this because of one person, but I am. That friendship traumatized me really. But I learned from it. I wish I didn’t have to learn that way, but that’s what happened. Some people are meant to stay and some are meant to leave. He was meant to leave.

                         – Elizabeth

 

Give up.

Give in.

Come with me.

These are not words from God. They are words from the devil. I have no doubt that the weaker I feel the more I’m tempted to leave God. Do I plan on leaving God? Heck no. The more I feel attacked, the more I pray. It’s about dang time satan knew I’m not gonna cave.

I am a Child of God.

Jesus is my savior.

I believe.

I am a Child of God.

Jesus. 

I’m never backing down. God is the way and I believe.

– Elizabeth

I have seen hundreds of quotes on loss or depression or just feeling negatively, but I have never seen a quote that uses acting. As an actor, reading this was, well, freaking awesome. As a grieving sister, this was inspirational. It gave me a bit of hope.

– Elizabeth

It’s been over a year now. Over a year since she died. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. Why isn’t she here?

It’s was her time.

God called her to come home.

I KNOW that. I KNOW it was her time and I KNOW God called her home. But it doesn’t make this any easier for me. It doesn’t take away my pain. It doesn’t make me leap for joy.

I just want to be happy.

Recently, just for a couple days, I was happy. And then life threw a punch. Slowly it’s been hitting me with how short amount of time I have left until adulthood. I feel like every time I try to get up, I get thrown back down. Things that didn’t bother me before now trigger me in a way now. Just the other morning my brother refused to eat and he repeatedly said he didn’t want to. This never would have bothered me before, but when I heard him refuse to eat I began crying. All I could think of was how depressed I’ve been and how there were days I wanted to cry and refuse to eat.

The moments where I forget are the ones I’m happiest.

I just want to be better.

The pain never goes away. It never… it never leaves.

I know God is there. I know he is. I just can’t see him.

I want peace. I want a break from my damn life. I spent 30 minutes crying in my bathtub yesterday. Just sobbing. I’m so tired of my insecurities. I want to look at myself and see a beautiful, happy, loving person. I’m so tired of looking at myself and being displeased with my body shape or seeing a broken down girl. This isn’t living. This is surviving. I want to live. I’m sick of having trust issues and feeling stupid or unwanted.

I want peace.

I feel like no matter how much I smile there’s always my depression hidden behind it. I was never one to hide my pain behind a smile, but then again I never knew this type of pain before my sister.

I want to know where God is. I know he’s there I just can’t see. I go to church, I still believe, I still pray, but I can’t SEE him.

I know he’s there.

I know he’s still guiding me.

I know he loves me.

I know he never left.

But… it feels like he’s gone. It feels like he doesn’t care.

I’ve survived, but I still plan on living.

– Elizabeth

https://photos.app.goo.gl/JKsw1dKki7r2VWJd6

– Lord I Need You by Matt Maher

I would recommend turning up the volume all the way. I sang it super quietly because I was sitting in church. No one was in there, but I couldn’t bring myself to sing louder… my bad.

– Elizabeth

 

OH YEA so in the song, police sirens went off in the background so yea… just wanted to clarify.

Um… yea so anyway.