Rosie's Writing

Today last year, was her funeral. It was my last chance to see her before she was put in the ground. I didn’t take it. I knew how different she was gonna look and I didn’t want to see that. I should’ve. I should have kissed her one more time, thanked her for all the good times she gave me. It shouldn’t have mattered what she looked like at that moment, she was still my sister and I should have said goodbye one last time. Many, many people showed up for her people. There were well over two hundred and it was incredible to see how they all came together for her. For us.

I sang for her. Not for anyone else, just for her.

I’m not sure why today is hard for me, it didn’t feel hard last year. I woke up this morning and just felt empty. I feel on edge, overloaded, empty. I feel like I’m just restarting the past year.

– Elizabeth

Day 1: Beginning Grief.

The day after she died, I was so numb,so depressed. I just sat there all day. I expected her to walk down the stairs and just… be there. But she wasn’t. I played Minecraft without her that day. It was so hard. I had recently started playing Minecraft more. I played it with Maggie. We always played together. Heck I’d beg her to let me play.

It was so difficult not to cry while playing Minecraft after she died. I actually didnt play it for quite awhile afterwards. When I did, I made this…

The day after was incredibly difficult. That day began a long and tiring journey into the world of grief.

– Elizabeth

 

Today my heart shattered. Today, last year, I was given the news that my sister would not be surviving this tumor. There was no fighting chance for us. All of our options ended with her dying. I couldn’t believe my ears when Dad broke the news to mom and I.

“She’s not going to wake up?”

Regrets flooded my mind and I knew I had to see her before it was too late and I thank God my parents let me go. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone. There was so much going on in my head. It was overwhelming. I stayed with Maggie all day.

The last day of youth group was yesterday. I missed it last year. Why? Because I was in the hospital watching my sister die.

Watching Maggie die was the worst experience of my life. Seeing the life leave her. The color draining from her face. Tears were running down my face. I couldn’t sing to her as she died. As the others in the room sang to her, I could not. I couldn’t speak.

“This can’t be happening”

“This can’t be happening”

“This can’t be happening”

And then… she was gone. All the laughter and joy gone out of her. I would never see her smile again. Never hear her laugh again. Never see her beautiful face again. My heart was broken.

I numbed the pain for so long and now that wall is breaking a slowly the pain is seeping in, stronger than ever. I hate my life most days. I just want to be happy. I just… I just want my sister back. I never wanted to say that. It’s such a selfish thing to say but I do. I want her back. I miss her. I miss her more than anyone can know. My smiles cover up my pain. Even in my most depressed state I try and smile. Smile through the pain I guess is what I do.

– Elizabeth

 

Today is the day before. Today last year, Maggie was taken to the hospital. Today last year, I saw Maggie awake for the last time. I remember my grandma and grandpa coming over. They surprised us by bringing breakfast and they stayed and we all played crochet. Maggie couldn’t hit the ball. I remember watching her trying to hit the ball but she just…. she just couldn’t. My poor sister…. if only I had known. She took a nap after the game. When she woke up she had a horrible headache. She came into the office where mom and I were and she just said, “Mom my head hurts so bad” and she was crying. Mom said she was going to take her to Children’s Hospital. I remember watching them get in the car and having a feeling something was wrong. I remember wondering whether or not I should say goodbye or not. I didn’t. And then they left. Mom says it’s a good thing she drove as fast as she did because Maggie began to get worse.  As they drove, Maggie began to fade in and out, she couldn’t stay balanced. I should have been there. Gosh… I should’ve gone. I should’ve been there to comfort her. The minute they got her into the hospital room she had a seizure. her last words were, “Mommy” as she reached for mom. I should’ve been there. My baby sister was dying and I was nowhere to be found. Today is the day I found out she had a brain tumor. I thought she was going to be ok. I thought she was gonna come home. I should’ve been there dammit… I should’ve been there. Later that day after Mom left with Maggie, I was upstairs in my room, till I hear my dad yelling my name.

“Elizabeth! Elizabeth!”

I thought I had done something wrong or something WAS wrong. I followed him into his bathroom, away from the kids.

“Something’s wrong with Maggie.”

He said he had to leave.

“Dad it’s ok. You need to go now.”

He left. He left to join my mother at the hospital. That day Maggie was care-flighted to another hospital. They performed a short surgery on her to attempt and relieve the pressure on her head.

I’ve never stopped regretting not being there the day she went unconscious. Before her last seizure, she was totally conscious. Aware of what was happening around her. Mom couldn’t be in the room with her the entire time because she was trying to keep herself from passing out. I should’ve been there with her. I should’ve been there to tell her it’s ok. That morning was the last morning I saw my sister awake. The last time…

Tomorrow she dies. Tomorrow my heart shatters. Tomorrow begins a long journey.

Just two more days. Just two more. Every second that passes, every minute, every hour, it just brings me closer to the day. The day I lost her. Today Nicaea received her First Holy Communion. A day where she’s finally old enough to receive Christ as so many other Catholics across the world do.

Tomorrow Maggie would have received her First Holy Communion. It made today harder for all of us, remembering how Maggie never received with her class. Instead, she was dying.

Today last year, I had my second night of acting performances. I brought her a cupcake after it was over. I held Gabi on my hip and galloped around the living room singing Barney,

“We’re on our way, we’re on our way, on our way to Grandpa’s Farm
We’re on our way, we’re on our way, on our way to Grandpa’s Farm”

I was acting like a crazy person but I didn’t care. I honestly can’t remember Maggie laughing, but when we talk about it my mom tells me how she’ll never forget how I made Maggie happy that night.

I miss my sister more than you could know. We’ve made yet another step towards the inevitable.

– Elizabeth

Another day, another step. I recently had my first counseling session and my counselor said something I found interesting. Talking about my depression she said, “Well you seem alright to me, but I want to know how deep it is for you.” It kind of hurt hearing that, because I’m just like… but I’m not alright. It was interesting for me because I kind of just had a moment where I’m like, no wonder I feel like no one notices how much pain I’m in. It’s because they don’t. I’m always smiling when my friends see me. They rarely see meany other way. I’ve always spent my time with my friends laughing and smiling even though behind that I could feel just so broken. I have had very few friends in my life that see the me behind the smile. I’m so broken. I’m in pain. My sister dying left me with such a pain.

“How much longer?” I’ll think.

“How much longer do I have to be in such an amount of pain and no notices?”

I’m tired. Tired of my grief. Tired of my sorrow. I go out and have a good day, but then come home and feel depressed. I can’t help it. I used to welcome my grief with open arms thinking it would better me. Thinking I could be stronger with it. I don’t feel stronger. I feel unloved, neglected, unwanted, stupid, idiotic, ugly, undeserving. She was alive this time last year. I was doing acting performances. Tomorrow I bring her a cupcake. I sang Barney and galloped around our living room.

What has my life come to? It’s just… broken.I’m just broken. Who am I? I thought I knew.

I was that girl who people came to.

I was that girl who always smiled and laughed and meant it.

I was that girl who embraced her dorkiness. I was me and I loved it.

But now? That’s not me. I wish it was me.

I’m that girl who covers up her brokenness with a smile.

I’m that girl who’s insecure.

I’m that girl who is in pain.

I can’t help but wonder where God is. I know he’s there, but I don’t know where. It’s like standing in the dark and I know someone’s there but I can’t see them.

Or is it that because I’m smiling even though I’m hurt THAT’S what makes me strong.

I’m not sure.

Is it crazy for me to say I’m scared? I’m scared of losing friends, scared of losing family. I’m scared of my future. I’m scared of being hurt again. I lost not only my sister but many friends.

I’ve taken another step towards the inevitable. The day that impacted my life is coming whether I’m ready or not. All I can do is keep my head up and smile into the faces of the demons around me.

– Elizabeth

It’s almost a year. May 6th will be the day. Be the day my world shattered. My sister’s death sent a bullet at me. I will never be the same. My life has been altered and there’s no turning back. I miss her. I miss her smile, her laugh. I miss singing with her. I miss seeing her. She was alive this time last year. Sick, but alive. In three days she’s taken to the hospital. In four days, she dies. I didn’t know she was dying at the time. I thought she was just sick. I expected her to get better.

Her last selfie. was taken April 28th.

She looks fine doesn’t she? She looks happy. Little did we know she would die 2 weeks later.

Today is the feast day of St. Athanasius. Last year we celebrated by having ice cream sundaes. Maggie had some fruit, whip cream, and Nicaea snuck her marshmallows. Maggie asked me to lay on the couch with her and I didn’t want to at first, but then I did and we got super silly and played around. She felt better and was having a good time. We were laughing together. I miss that. Gosh…. I just…. I miss her more than you realize.

 

– Elizabeth

I have to give credit to a friend of mine for this post. For the first time, when someone I know has had a bad day, they’ve said “Tomorrow is a new day”. My post for today is simple. You have a fresh start every day. The minute you wake up in the morning you have another chance at life. You may have to still deal with the mistakes of yesterday, but you can choose to not let them drag you down. We all let our mistakes become stones. Welcome the new day.

– Elizabeth

Happy Easter everyone! Today Jesus rose from the dead. And you know what I have to say?

Viva Cristo Rey! (Long live Christ the King)

God bless

– Elizabeth

It’s ok to be broken. You’re not perfect. We’re all broken in one way or another. Your brokenness can be a beautiful thing if you only let it be. Suffering changes you. How it changes you is up to you. Use it. Use it to become the best version of yourself. Don’t be ashamed of your brokenness. Your scars are signs of a battle that’s been won. And when they’re reopened, when an enemy has broken through new skin, use that pain. Use it to fight.

You have no power here Satan.

You are a child of God whether you believe in him or not. You are not alone in your pain. Every time you hurt yourself, you are hurting your father. Your father who just wants to love you with all his heart. A father who will never abandon you unlike so many people in life.

I am a child of God. Get away Satan. You have no power here.

– Elizabeth