Ok so this is a pretty long post. This is actually a creative paper my teacher had my class write. It’s due on Tuesday. This is the final draft and I’m really proud of it. Like I said it’s quite long, I apologize for that, but at the end I will explain the characters and why there are certain things in it.
My Angels and Demons of Grief
Death. No one is prepared for death. You’re never ready when it hits. I wasn’t ready. She’s gone. Just yesterday evening. It was that very moment in time when the color left her face that I will never forget. Nothing could have prepared me for the devastation of it all. My name is Rose Tyler, and this is my story.
For most people, their bedroom is their safe haven. A place of fortitude and rest. Not for me. There is no safety from the demons that haunt me. No rest from my sorrow. I lay here wanting peace, but there is none. Darkness. That’s all I see. It…surrounds me.
“Rose,” my mom yells, “Come downstairs for breakfast!”
My eyes fly open. Slowly I sit up, expecting some sort of joy after laying there for so long, but there’s nothing. I feel empty, like I’m merely a shell. Throwing my feet over the side of the bed, I stand up, only to be struck with a bolt dizziness. I steady myself and then begin my trek down to the kitchen.
As I enter the kitchen, the sunlight from the window hits me. It’s calming and warm. It gives me a sense of peace, like nothing else matters. I sit at the kitchen counter as I mindlessly watch my mom prepare a bowl of cereal for me. Once she hands it to me, I poke and prod it for a few minutes before I take a distasteful and unwilling bite of my cold food. From the corner of my eye, I spot my mom watching me. A look of pity and uncertainty forming on her delicate face.
After several more painfully quiet minutes pass, I begin to stand up and mom quickly asks, “Are you ok?”
“Am I ok?” I think.
“Of course you’re not. Look at you. You’re pathetic,” a voice whispers.
Anger begins to boil inside me at the sound of that voice. That… evil… voice. I leave the blank look on my face as I turn to look at my mother.
“Am I ok?” I ask, anger and sarcasm lacing my voice, “Yea. Yea I’m just peachy.”
Turning on my heels, I run from my mother and the voice that follows me. The voice that whispers in my ear. The voice that threatens my sanity. I hear a door slam shut before I realize I’m in my bathroom. I can’t breathe. My chest is tight, and pains shoot through me. I begin to breathe heavily as I grasp the kitchen sink attempting to calm myself before this results in something else. My eyes dart up to the mirror. My face is sweaty and pale. Unknown tears are running down my face as I look at what I’ve become. I blink… and I see another face. My vision is blurred from my tears. Suddenly, a hand grasps my mouth. Holding me tightly against them. I scream but my voice is muffled by my attacker. Their very touch is ice. I can feel their breathe hitting the back of my neck. I hear a voice.
“Pathetic.”
I recognize that voice…it speaks to me all the time.
“Don’t. Speak,” I hear.
Suddenly, I’m shoved against the sink. The edge hitting my stomach. I’m terrified as I turn around to face this person. My heart stops when I see who it is. It’s me. I’m attacking me. She wears a sinister smirk, dark brown eyes deep as oceans, hair like fire, and leather clothing as dark as hell. She grabs my hair and pulls me towards her.
Her voice is soft but full of hatred as she speaks to me, “You really thought I’d let you go? Look at you. You’re all alone. No one loves you. Even God has abandoned you. You…mean…nothing. I guarantee your sister hates you now.”
She releases me and I fall backwards sobbing. I scramble off my feet and walk as well as I can to my room, where I collapse and fall into a world of dreams.
I dream I’m falling into an abyss. Creatures yelling at me from all sides. They’re horrible. They look unearthly. I hit the ground with a thud. Everything hurt. I can feel blood trickling from my body. The creatures begin to circle me and close in. They land on me and pin me down. Out of nowhere a light appears. I can feel my wounds beginning to heal. The aching in my heart stops. The…things…screech and flee from this light as though it’s fire and it burns them.
Faintly I hear one scream in a terrified, alien voice, “The Son of God is upon us!”
I can now make out a face. The face of a man. He shows no hatred, only love and compassion and care.
He reaches for me and speaks, “Take my hand child. Let me save you.”
Not knowing what else to do and desperately wanting the pain to stop, I use all my strength to take his hand. The minute I touch his hand, warmth spreads through my body, and then I black out.
When I wake up, I stand and find myself in a valley. The sky and grass and trees have such a vibrant color they appear unreal.
“Rose!” a voice screams.
I know that voice. It’s my sister’s my voice. I whip around and spot my sister. She’s running towards me with a huge smile on her face. She’s laughing. Clothing her is a long white robe. She looks beautiful and pure. I snap out of my daze and realize large tears are making their way down my face.
“May?” I ask, “May?”
Stumbling, I run towards her and when I reach her, I throw my arms around her and spin her in a circle. She’s laughing.
Tearfully I admit, “I’ve missed you May. It hurts so much with you gone. I want you back desperately. I’m so depressed and alone.”
May just giggles, “You’re not alone. I’ve always been there. I watch you. I see every time you scream and beg me to come home. I know when you cry. I know you’re suffering, but if you don’t have the depths of the valleys you won’t be able to enjoy the majesties of the mountains.”
I just begin crying and choke out, “I-I’m so so s-sorry. I love y-you.”
“I love you too Rose. It’s gonna be ok,” she replies.
All of a sudden, the valley begins to fade, along with my sister.
“No..” I begin muttering, “No, please no.”
May smiles gently at me and says, “I’ll see you in the Eucharist.”
My vision goes black. When I wake up, I began to sob. She was right there in my grasp and now she’s gone.
It’s been about two months now since I saw my sister. School is even more difficult. When I walk to my class, I see my friends but it’s all a blur. It’s as though the world fades around me when I sit down for class. My only thoughts being, “I can’t wait to go home.”
Today, while I walk home my best friend June runs up to me and states, “Hey. I haven’t seen you all day. Where have you been?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I begin, “Drifting here and there. It’s not really a big deal. I’m just tired.”
June grabs my arm and looks me in my eyes, “I know you’re not.”
I just stare at my red haired friend as she begins to drag me to her house. When we arrive, she pulls me into her room and sits me on her bed. We just sit here for a few minutes and then suddenly I begin crying.
June holds me while I sob and asks her mom, who is peeking through the door,” Can you call Mrs. Tyler and let her know Rose is staying the night?”
I cry for a good hour before I fall asleep due to exhaustion. When I wake up, I creep downstairs to the bathroom and clean my face of tear stains on my face. Once I finish, I shuffle into the living room, where I spot a guitar leaning against the wall. Not even thinking, I grab it and make my way to the front porch, where I sit and begin to strum softly. Singing has always been my favorite thing to do, ever since I was little. May’s song is titled “Lord I Need You”. We sang it to her as she died. Softly and quietly I begin to sing this simple song.
Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
In between verses I begin to remember how May would sing with me, and how I sang it to her the day she died.
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
Where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
“Rose sing it with me!”
“All right. All right,” I laugh.
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
She’s laying here in front of me. She’s going to leave me soon.
“Wake up May. If I sing will you wake up?”
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
When I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay
Nothing.
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
She’s leaving us now. The color is draining from her skin.
“Don’t leave me.”
You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
As I reach the end of the song, I pause and hear June say, with tears in her eyes, “That was beautiful Rose. Sing something else,” she pauses,” But maybe something that won’t make me cry,” she laughs.
And for the first time, I smile. This is just the beginning of my story.
It’s now two months later, and I’m getting ready to leave. Mom thought it would be a good
idea if I went to adoration. I’m not looking forward to it at all. God hasn’t been in my life at all
so why should I be there with him?
“Rose,” mom yells, “Time to go!”
I’m really dreading this, but here we go.
When I arrive at the church, I am quick to notice that I am the only one there.
“Great,” I mumble, “Me and Jesus. Just what I wanted.”
I find a seat to sit in towards the front of the church. For quite awhile I sit there until I finally ask, “Why?”
No answer.
Again I ask, but louder this time, “Why?”
Nothing. I’m angry. He’s left me all alone the most he can do is tell me why. Tears freely flow down my face. I’m angry. I’m sad…no…sad isn’t accurate. I’m devastated. I can feel my hands curling into fists.
I stare at the crucifix hanging above the altar and scream,”Why! You stole her from me! How could you! I trusted you!”
I collapse on the cold, hard floor and cry. I begin to feel myself hyperventilate and my vision begins to blur, and then I pass out.
I wake up, I find myself in my living room, on my couch. I can hear something…voices. I hear voices. Eerie voices , like they’re, inhuman. They’re coming from upstairs, so I shakily make my way up the stairs. As I get closer, the air gets colder. It feels…evil. Wrong. My hands shake as I push open my sister’s bedroom door. Any courage I had fled as I witnessed the horrible scene in front of me. A mass of…of…things crawl about the room. Touching my sister’s toys and bed, and every time they did the color was drained from the object.
Soon these things realize I’m here and begin to creep towards me. I slowly begin backing up, my hand flailing around behind me trying to move the door so I can leave, but before I can the door slams shut. I turn around and scream. I’m in front of me, more vile than before. Voices begin to fill my head as I crumple to the ground, clutching my ears, begging them to stop. I beg and I beg and I beg, but they don’t stop.
“You’re wrong.”
“You’re ugly.”
“You’re the reason she left.”
“God abandoned you.”
“Just give in.”
It continues for what feels like an eternity. I’m left with a pain shooting through my entire body. The demonic creatures circle me and begin to kick me. They beat me. I’m repeatedly hit in the face, stomach, legs…my mind. Through the beating, I almost think I see a man. He’s crying. Before I can question further, I’m struck again and again and again. An intense but dazzling light begins to grow in the now colorless room. Blood is heavily flowing down my face and blinding my sight, but I see the creatures retreat, but something is off. They’re terrified of the light. Color begins to seep back into the room. Still laying on the ground, I feel a hand on my head, gently smoothing my hair. I’m not scared. I painfully raise my head and see a man whose face shines like the sun. His eyes so full of love and care.
“Who are you?” I ask.
He just smiles and replies, “I am who I am.”
I begin to cry, “I’m sorry. All I do is hate you and you’re still here.”
I feel myself being lifted up off the ground and being held like a child. I wrap my arms around him and cry.
“It’s all going to be okay. I am here and I never left. I’ve just been waiting. I still love you even though you hated me.”
“Why?” I question.
“Because,” he begins, “You are my daughter and you are struggling. I would never abandon you. You are so loved.”
And then I wake up.
I’m still in church, at the foot of the altar. I glance up and stare at the crucifix.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
I can still feel his arms wrapped around me. It’s as though he never left to begin with. I suddenly feel a surge of joy run through me. I genuinely smile and laugh. I can see my sister and I can see Him. He stands behind the altar holding up the Eucharist.
I hear him say, “The Body of Christ.”
Right after I hear a laugh and see May say, “Amen.”
I watch as she receives the Eucharist and then she looks at me.
“I’ll see you in the Eucharist.”
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth”
– Voice of Truth Casting Crowns
If you’re reading this that means you read through that ENTIRE thing, so I thank you for reading it. Now the main character Rose I wrote based off myself. She loves music like I do, her name is my middle name, etc.. I wanted her to be me. I based the entire story off my own grief. While writing this, I wanted very much so to emphasize on the demons of grief. Ever since my sister died my insecurities have been stronger, my depression stronger, my anxiety stronger, etc.. So when I was creating these characters, I came up with the idea to give Rose another personality really. I’ve seen it before in a tv show, where the villain is actually a really sweet person, but there’s a voice in his head that’s pure evil and constantly nags him until he breaks, and the voice in his head takes a physical form that only he can see. I took that idea and applied it to Rose. The only difference being that she doesn’t snap and become evil. Rose’s voice I wanted to give a wicked vibe. I dressed her in black leather and bright red hair. my reason being that the black already gives her that evil touch, but if I give her the bright red hair it comes off more like fire. And fire burns, which is exactly what she does to everything she touches. I made the scene between Rose and her voice dark purposely. I wanted that internal struggle to be made real. Now May I wrote off Maggie. Maggie was born in May, which is why I chose that name. Really May is just Maggie with a different name. Not much to explain really. Same personality, same face, etc..
The reunion between May and Rose, is really what I imagine for mine and Maggie’s. Writing that was actually really hard for me. I mean I cried while writing it. And the last words May says in that scene and at the end is, “I’ll see you in the Eucharist.” Words that have a profound meaning for my family.
At the end, when Rose has just been beaten down and Jesus is with her, I wrote because of what I’ve come to see from DCYC. Rose had just been beaten by her demons. She couldn’t fight back. She was too hurt, too sad, too depressed. The only one who could save her in the way needed was Jesus. He held her and Rose came to the realization that he never left. Writing the end, I didn’t want to end it with the classic “And then they lived happily ever after”. Because it’s not going to be a happily ever after. I should know. This story is my story. I’m not saying I see the voice in my head or I’m physically beaten by demons or I’ve seen Jesus or my sister, because I haven’t. But I have demons. They beat me every day. The voice in my head spewing lies every day. I’ve heard Jesus telling me I’m not alone. I believe I see my sister in the Eucharist. Every Sunday. Every mass. When it comes time to receive communion, I firmly believe she’s standing right there with me.
– Elizabeth
Rosie's Writing 