Rosie's Writing

https://photos.app.goo.gl/9LowQAmP4rDE9yJ66

This song is called I don’t know my name by Grace Vanderwaal. I absolutely love this song.

I attended DCYC this past weekend with my youth group. It was an incredible experience. So filled with God. Everything hitting me emotionally. I’m pretty sure I cried all weekend. For the first time in 9 months I grieved over my sister. I cried and was angry. I repeated in my head “How dare you leave me. How could you leave me alone?” and “Why did you take her from me? Why do I keep getting left?” I repeated those phrases in my head many, many times. I held a picture of her in my hand and repeatedly crushed it in my hand and threw it on the ground as i let out my anger, sadness, my grief. Grief is real. It hurts. It stings. It feels like it will never get better. It’s lonely. You feel as though God has abandoned you. I have screamed at God before. I have lost my faith over this. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I Lost My Faith.

I feel alone.

Where is God? Why has he abandoned me?

He didn’t abandon me. He’s been right there the entire time no matter how many times I screamed at him. He’s had his hand outstretched, waiting for me to take it so he could pull me into his arms and heal my broken heart.

I’m drowning and God has his hand outreached and I have refused to take it. But he waited till I was ready. I took his hand and he pulled me into his loving arms telling me, “It’s all going to be okay. I am here and I never left. I’ve just been waiting. I still love you even though you hated me.” And that is God. The only one in your life who is willing to wait weeks, months, years even for you to come to his open arms to find hope, joy, peace, love, comfort, and so much more. God is the only one who truly knows you. He is the only one who will be there to hold you when you’re broken and tired and aching and crying. When society fails you, God is there. God is holding me tight. And I plan on doing everything to keep me there.

– Meyou

https://photos.app.goo.gl/44bzRzKe9j8Q3XpQ6

Ok so I’ve never tried sharing a video like this on the computer, but here it goes. I sang Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. I have absolutely no idea if I’ve pronounced his name correctly so I apologize if I did not.

– Meyou

“Then he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was many furlongs distant from the land, beaten by the waves; for the wind was against them. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out for fear. But immediately he spoke to them, saying, “Take heart, it is I; have no fear.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus; but when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “O man of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” And when they had crossed over, they came to land at Gennesaret.”

Matthew 14:22-34

There are no more words yet so many to describe it. The grief is still there, but I feel empty. My sister is gone. Nine months. My mom said last month, “Grief is when eight months later you’re still afraid to wear mascara.” What’s so funny is that it’s pretty accurate. Here I am, nine months later, and i still have that fear of wearing mascara. Anything could make me cry and as much as I tell myself, “I probably shouldn’t wear mascara out,” I still do. It’s almost a year since she died. It’ll be a year on May 6th. I’m not ready. If I pass the one year marker, I feel like it’s letting her go. I still haven’t really accepted that she’s gone. It hurts like hell. It sucks. That’s really all I can say. It sucks. But somehow I’ve managed to keep my hope. Everyday I tell myself, “It’s all gonna be ok” and “I’m going to come out of this better”. God knows how deep this bullet is. God knows my struggles and doubts and fears. I trust God to better me from this.

When Maggie died, I not only lost HER but I also lost my JOY. When New Years came, it was beyond difficult. I wasn’t ready. I was forced to begin a new year without the person I deeply love. There was nothing I was looking forward to. Now? It still sucks. It still hurts. But i still have hope. And one day I’ll see her again and I can hug her like she always asked me to.

– Meyou

I had a conversation with a friend at some point, and we ended up talking about depression. She told me that depression is selfish. Now at the time, I saw what she was saying and agreed. After, all I could do was think about that conversation and how I had agreed that depression is selfish. I wish I had been able to see that that wasn’t the right answer. I knew what she meant, and I just went with it. I really already knew that it isn’t selfish, but that didn’t stop me from agreeing. I was talking with my mom a week or so after and I told her what my friend has said. I told my mom, “Depression isn’t selfish. It’s lack of self love and self care.” Self Care is self explanatory. So is Self Love. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. I’ve had depression for three years now. Since Maggie died it’s just more than it was. Coming from my own experience, there were some days I would wake up and have no hope for my future. I thought I looked horrible, had no chance with anyone, no chance for my future. I felt empty. I started to understand why people can be suicidal. And it wasn’t because I was being selfish. That’s not why I felt or thought the things I did. It was because I was lacking in self care and self love. I did not love myself and I did not care for myself. Even now it is difficult to have self care and self love. It’s hard to love yourself when all you can see are the negative things. And it’s hard to care for yourself when your life is falling apart in front of you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked in the mirror and thought of myself as fat or ugly. Nor can I say how many times I’ve just wished my life was better. But… no matter how lost or broken I feel, I’ve never lost my belief that one day all I’m struggling with will be used to better me.

– Meyou

A month or so before Maggie passed away, my dad drove me to youth group. We left early so we ended up in a coffee shop to pass the time. Dad had brought his computer because he needed to work on something and I had brought my sketchbook. Now I don’t draw very well, but I attempt drawing and I really love writing down quotes that I find. While I was sitting there, I decided to write Maggie a poem. I was planning on giving it to her for her 11th birthday. I never got the chance because she died the week before her birthday.

Maggie dear don’t you fear for I will always be here. When you’re in your room and crying out, I will be there to help you out. I don’t always say it, I don’t always show it. But dear you must hear, I love you now and forever more

It doesn’t rhyme super well at the end, but it has great meaning for me. Something so simple. I wish I had had the chance to give it to her.

– Meyou

Everyone is familiar with Peter Pan. A young boy who lives on an island called Neverland, where he has a group of young boys called Lost Boys along with a fairy named Tinkerbell. They live in a world where they fight pirates, have no parents, no rules, they never grow up, but what sticks out to us the most about Neverland is that those who inhabit it don’t have to suffer through the trials of life. They aren’t depressed or struggle with anxiety. They’re happy. How many times do we wish that? That we could just be kids forever? That we dont have to deal with the every day life style that throws rocks at us? There’s a song called Lost Boy by Ruth B that I really love. It’s talking about someone who feels so alone and that even their only friend isn’t there sometimes. And in the midst of that Peter Pan comes knocking on their window saying he promises he doesn’t have to be lonely. They fly away to neverland. The lyrics read:

I’ve said before to friends that I relate very much so to this song. Life can make someone feel so alone. There are days i feel so alone, so hopeless. Those are the days I especially wish Peter pan is real. Every day though i wish for Peter pan to come knocking on my window to fly away with me to Neverland. I struggle with my life. My life isnt even as hard as a lot of people’s lives. But I often wish i was a lost boy. That neverland existed.

I dont actually know if i ended that well or not but that’s all i have. Hope y’all had a great day. I’ll leave the link for Lost Boy below.

– Rosie

Oh yea and I think im gonna start signing my blogs as Rosie. It’s a nickname I’ve had before, not often used now. My close friend says Rose fits me better but i rather like Rosie 🙂

Well… I got bored. So why not write? I’m sure many of you have watched The Greatest Showman. If not, go watch it. So worth it in my opinion. Anyways, One of the songs in the movie is titled This is Me. Now before Maggie died I already thought of it as a moving and relatable song. Now its just even more relatable. The song at some point says, “I am brave, I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be. This is Me.”

I’m brave. I’ am bruised. This is who I’m meant to be. This is me. Words of truth for me. I face my demons everyday. THAT is bravery. I’m depressed, have anxiety, angry. THAT is bruised. But the light in my life that I once viewed as dark, is growing. I’m finally able to be happy. I’m healing. I am a new person. THIS is who I’m supposed to be. This is me. Broken, hurt, sad, angry, but beginning to thrive in the dark.

– Meyou

Merry Christmas!! Gosh I can’t believe it’s already Christmas day. It doesn’t feel like Christmas time. I blame it on the weather. I hope y’all are having an amazing Christmas. I’ve been hanging out with my family all day. My dad came home for Christmas so that’s been awesome. My dad’s been working in Arizona for a couple months now. So like I said its been amazing having him here for Christmas.

Today is the first Christmas with Maggie for our family. I’ve had people ask me today how I’m holding up today, so for those who are wondering, I am actually holding up quite well. Better than I thought. I’m not super sad today. I miss her but I haven’t been super depressed which i thought I would be. Thank you everyone who has been praying for us. It has been greatly appreciated.

Merry Christmas Maggie🎄

Have an amazing Christmas y’all!😁🎄🎁

– Me you