Rosie's Writing

We often wonder what it would be like without our pain. Without our memories. Without heartbreak. I recently did a book report on The Giver. A story about a young boy who grows up in a world without memories, emotions, pain. The boy lives in a world where society has no humanity. The author, Lois Lowry, wrote the book based off of her father’s memory loss. Off her thoughts of “what if”. The question has crossed my mind before, “What if I could just get rid of the memory of my pain?” What if I could forget about the arguments I’ve had with my friends? What if I could forget the hell I feel sometimes? But who would I be without that pain? I wouldn’t have the bravery I have now. I wouldn’t be any wiser. I’ve said before, I’m broken. I’m a 15 year old girl who feels broken. I feel as though my body and soul are separated. My soul feels whole. My body feels broken, as though I’m standing in ruins. And guess what? If I could, I wouldn’t get rid of my brokenness. I wouldn’t get rid of my anxiety. I wouldn’t get rid of my depression. All of my pain and struggles, while it feels like they’re tearing me down, they are really building me up. I believe that everything I’m going through is going to make me come out stronger, braver, and wiser than before. Three years ago I never would have thought of my depression this way, but now I can’t help but see it this way. Why would I get rid of the things that help me grow? No one can grow without pain. It’s how they handle the pain that makes them different. I feel like I’m walking through hell sometimes. If i can survive this, I can survive anything. This isn’t going to be the last pain I feel. These aren’t the last tears I’ll cry. There’s more to come, and it’ll hurt. But I’ll come out different and I’m willing to accept that. No one stays the same.

– Elizabeth    (meyou)

On the post I made where I wrote a monologue, this is the comment left by a friend of mine.

“Wow! If you wanted, you could use that for acting 3! That is acting 3 material! That is very personal… I feel like we all change in some way after a loss, but most of us hide it and don’t want to share the pain. I look up to you. I lost my grandpa and felt like I couldn’t share the pain. I kept everything built up, and I pushed others away. I look up to you because you seek guidance. You recognize that you can go through this with others. And you are an Amazing friend to me. You’re like a sister. I love that about you, I admire you, and I trust you. Thanks for being an honest and loving friend! 😊💖”

I want to say thank you to the one who left that comment. I won’t say your name but you know who you are.

It’s odd to think someone looks up to me. I’m just a broken girl trying to survive. Grief is not easy. As a kid I never expected it to be like this. I never imagined the pain death would cause. After Maggie’s death everything was so hard. Not only did I lose my sister but I lost friends. My heart has been taking a beating since. I’m not a perfect person. I push people away, I yell, I cry. I’ve been hurt over and over again. But either way, thank you for sharing that with us. I understand shutting people out. I understand most of it. Feel free to talk to me if you ever need it.

To anyone else who reads this, y’all have an amazing weekend.

– Elizabeth (meyou)

Okay well, I want to write another monologue so here we go.

I began this year expecting some ease. But I got into fights. I got into life.  Now life is pushing me to the ground. My face shoved onto the floor. I’m tied down and I push against the ropes. I feel weak. I feel pathetic. I want to get up and move on. But no matter how many ropes I break free of I’m held down by a few more. Depression is my rope. Anxiety is my rope. Loss is my rope. Anger poking my face like a sword yelling, “Come on!” Anxiety wrapped around my throat so I can’t breathe. Depression wrapped around my heart so tightly I cry. Loss whispering in my ear. Echoing into my brain. Each rope is wired to my brain. To my heart. The pain bounces around in my head. When will I be free of these bonds? When will they be cut? Someday. Someday I’ll be free. Until then I must deal with life. I gotta deal with this fight. I got my friends. They are the ones who loosen my bonds. Loosen anxiety so I can breathe. Loosen depression so the tears stop. Loosen anger so I don’t scream.

Okay soooooo that one is short but I think I did okay. Thank y’all so much. Have a great week 🙂

– Elizabeth (meyou)

Wow guys so today is Leo’s 5th birthday. I can’t believe it. He’s growing up so fast. I still remember the day he was born. I was ten when Leo was born. I finally got the brother that I wanted since I was a little kid. I’m so glad he’s my little brother. I’ve had my fair share of being punched or kicked while he’s pretending he’s a ninja lol but I’d say its been worth it.

I decided to write a monologue. I hope y’all enjoy. 🙂

How many times must I scream to be heard? How many times must I explain? How much longer am I expected to be the nice one? How many more times must you ignore me? I allow myself to be held down. I am pinned down by my want for all of you to stay. I wanted more than anything to keep you in my life. Now I’m not so sure. Now I’m hurt. Now I scream. Now I feel as though I am now seen as obnoxious. Rude. Unwanted. I go home only to remember how I let you control me. I once felt as though my words were respected. As though they mattered. Then I changed. I began to see more. I felt more. I began to see the views. I lost a friend. I gained a friend. I slowly, slowly began to feel as though I was drifting away. I listen and I listen but I feel as though I am never listened to. I was expected to be nice.

I was expected to never disagree.

I was expected to be reasonable.

I was expected to be forgiving.

Now I feel as though I’m seen as that girl who can’t be nice.

Who’s unreasonable.

                                                                        Unwanted.

                                                                          Wrong.

I think I’ve hurt people. I think I push them away without seeing it. I am sick of the hurt. I am sick of the loss. I’m afraid.

Afraid of losing the people I want in my life.

Afraid of being too stupid.

Insecure. That’s what I am. Where did my childhood go? Where is the ease that I felt in life? It was left behind I guess. Left behind to be replaced by struggle. By anger. By grief. By depression. By anxiety. Where is the love? A child believes they’ll find a boy one day. A child sees adults and teenagers, but never imagines the things they go through. A child never imagines the drama they could go through when they have a group a friends. The things I’ve said. The things I have expressed so clearly. This is me. I never knew this would be me. But here I am. This is me.

I hope y’all liked that. The idea behind the monologue is a girl who has been quiet. Who has been too nice. And because of this she is suffering the repercussions. 

Y’all have an amazing week.

– Elizabeth (meyou)

Okay so these two pictures are of me and Maggie. Guess who’s me? That’s right. The curly haired weirdo. Maggie (as always) is the sweet mini rockstar.

Okay so those are the ones I have of me and Maggie. These next few are going to be ones with me and my other siblings or just me.

Me and Nicaea!!

Me, Nicaea, and Leo. Come on you two stop growing up.

OH MY GOSH GUYS THIS IS WHEN I HAD SHORT HAIR

Okay going right down the line. Me, then Nicaea, then Leo, and then Gabi.

This one is of me at Maggie’s grave. Miss you Maggie.

First off, YES I listen to a boy band. BTS ALL THE WAY! Sorry…. I’m good now. But seriously, I love BTS. And for those of you who don’t know who they are, they are a K-pop band. Second, I still love oranges, which is what I am eating in that second picture. I used to pretend that they were grubs when I was a kid. I don’t know why lol. I was a weird kid. Still am. YAYYYYY. Anyway….

Just took this yesterday. Smiles all the way round… well.. I don’t know what Leo is doing lol.

Whaaaatttt y’all this was like five years ago when Leo was a baby. That’s Leo in the wrap.

Oh my word…. my first acting performance.

I’m sure y’all know who these two kids are…. me and Maggie!!!

Okay I won’t bug y’all with anymore pictures. Hope y’all have a great week.

– Elizabeth (meyou)

Funny enough this blog idea came from an ad for some sort of app to help with writing essays. Anyway, the title is very self explanatory. This time I’m writing on how words are NOT powerless.

Many of you have heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

Words hurt.

Words heal.

Words uplift us.

Words tear us down.

Words mean something.

We live through each day thinking our words can’t hurt us. I act like that. I go through my life thinking, “They can say whatever the heck they want to. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care.” But I do care. They do hurt me. They do annoy me. The words dad spoke when he told us Maggie was going to die. Those words hurt. They tore me to pieces.

I’ve been called a loser before. Seeing as it was a very close friend singling me out, those words hurt.

But while some words hurt, there are the ones that can uplift someone. Words that mean something. After we lost Maggie, two days after there was an end of the year party I decided to go to for my acting class. During the party, a card was passed around and everyone there signed it. After every one signed, the card was given to me and I am still so grateful for it.

I keep this card in my acting folder. Every time I open the folder I see this card.

Words mean something. They show love. They show compassion. They can show anger and hatred. Words can “break your bones”.  Your words influence everyone around you. Be the reason someone else smiles today. Not the reason they cry.

Y’all have an amazing week. Thank you for taking time to read this.

– Elizabeth (meyou)

I’ve mentioned before that I am an actor. I want to tell you about that.

Now when I say acting you’re going to think I mean I do plays. I do not do plays. The class I take for acting, is once a week down in Plano, TX at a place called Theo. My class is once a week for an hour and half. There are three acting classes. Acting 1 ( beginning class), Acting 2 (intermediate class), and then Acting 3 (Advanced class). I’m in Acting 3 this year. Each class can have up to fourteen people. Each person is given at least three skits. If we’re doing classics, then we’ll get at least three scenes from a classic book, like Little Women, Shakespeare, etc.. And then we perform them at the end of the year in a small black box theater called The Core Theater This semester, we are performing more modern skits. We just got our scripts a couple weeks ago and I am so pleased with them.

I’ve been taking acting at Theo for two years now. This is my third. And I am incredibly grateful for it. If i had never taken it, I would not be the way I am now. And most importantly I wouldn’t have met my friends. When I first started acting, I was shy, quiet, friendless (we had just moved back to Texas so I didn’t know anyone). Now I’m pretty sure people consider me loud lol. My closest friends are from acting. And I enjoy seeing and acting with them every week.

One of my friends asked us one week if any of us joined acting for any other reason besides having fun. There is in fact more reasons as to why I do acting.

When I first began acting, my reason being that I had recently began to watch behind the scenes for movies. Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, etc.. As I watched these things, I noticed the actors doing their own stunts and the fact that each actor did they’re job amazingly well. It seemed to me that the actors had so much fun. That they really enjoyed their job. I wanted that. I wanted to go to a set one day and act and have sun. So that’s what I did. I joined an acting class. My first year, I didn’t perform at a theater. My second year however, our teacher informed us we would be performing in a black box theater. And that we did. Performing in that theater is probably one of the best things I’ve been able to experience.

Acting for me, is much more than just reading the lines. It’s not like reading a book for me. When I act, it’s a time when I can become fully invested in the character. There’s one scene I did called Freek. The scene is about a young Cuban girl named Delfina, who has come to America with her family, and ends up encountering a couple of bullies, Eloise and Jasmine. I played Delfina. Playing this character meant a lot to me. Being a person of color, the things this character says spoke to me. I don’t go through many many things that a lot of people of color go through, but reading this script, I connected with Delifina.

I actually had to memorize several lines in Spanish for this role, and one of those lines is “ No todos los paises son iguales. Algunos paises se despiertan a la guerra todas las mananas. Y otros se acuestan con el desespero, como Cuba.” Which translates to,” Not all countries are the same. Some countries wake up to war every morning. And others lie down with desperation like Cuba.” My favorite line though, is my very last one. “You think you know who I am, that I’m a freak, but the only thing I know is that the word “free” sits inside of “freak”.”

That line, I poured my emotions into it. My anger. My understanding.

And I try to do that with my other characters. I pour myself into my acting. I allow my mind to slip into the character. And I cannot tell you how amazing that is for me. That feeling of pure joy I get when I have completely lost myself in my character. It’s a thrill that I can’t explain even if I tried. All I can say, is that to me, it is the best feeling I can ever get. And I hope that one day I can act professionally. Plays, movies, TV shows. Someday I hope to make acting my career.

Thank y’all for reading this. Have an awesome week.

– Elizabeth (meyou)

Alright, y’all imma try something new today. Instead of writing about a life story, I’m going to write and short fictional story. Please leave a comment to tell me what you think, and if you have any suggestions for a writing prompt. Also, any songs in here that I use are NOT my songs. I will give you the name of the song(s) and artist at the end of the story. Now…

Let the story begin.

“Ellie! Simon! Finish your chores! It’s almost time to go!” yelled mom.

“Alright!” I yelled.

I begin to scurry about my room, attempting to make presentable.

As I place the last piece of clothing laying on my floor in my closet, I feel someone poke my side and repeatedly say,” Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. E-”

“What!” I screeched at my twin brother Simon. “What could you possibly want that is just so important that you have to leave dents in my side!?”

Simon gave me a half grin and simply replied, “Nothing.”

Silence.

I turn my back on my fifteen-year-old brother, only to run into my bedroom wall. I land on the ground with a thud. At this point, I’m rather annoyed and about ready to strangle my obnoxious brother, which is exactly what I do. I immediately jump up and tackle my brother to the hard ground. We end up rolling around on the floor until our mother pounds up the stairs and into my room and discovers us rolling around and screaming like mad men.

She swiftly pulls us apart and sighs exasperatedly and remarks, “Why can’t you just be civil for once in your life?”

“Mom,” begins Simon, “you know we love each other, but even the best of siblings have matches to see who’s best. Which we found out I am.”

I chuckle, “Of course you think you won.”

“Well, I did!” argued Simon.

“Shut up,”  I say while laughing, and begin to jokingly say, “You don’t wield the power. With great power comes great responsibility.”

“Well then,” Simon begins while laughing, but quickly puts on a serious face and says in a rather deep voice, “I’ll be back.”

Mom just smiles and laughs softly, “Come on you two. We’re going to be late for Ellie’s performance.”

Yes. Performance. It’s not really my performance. It’s a talent show. For singers specifically. I auditioned a month ago and was finally admitted for the show. Tonight it’s me competing with one other girl. Over the course of the month, there were many shows I had to sing it. Each show people were sent home. The last two are supposed to face off tonight. Each is to have a song ready to perform. I’m one of the last two. So tonight I perform two songs.

Mom interrupts my thoughts, “We’re here. Do you know where to go, Ellie? Your brother and I have to find seats before they fill up.”

I raise my head and gaze at my mom. Pride shone from her eyes. I was going to make her proud tonight.

“Yeah, mom. I know where I’m going. Thanks, mom.”

“Good luck sweety,” mom tells me.

“Yeah. Good luck Ellie. Knock ’em dead.” adds Simon.

I smile gratefully at my family and quickly make my way towards the stage.

The seats are already filling like a stream does a pond, as I make my way backstage. I get backstage just in time because as soon as I place my bags down the announcer calls for my opponent and me to make our way to stage. It’s time to begin.

As I step onto the stage, following my opponent, I’m blinded by the lights. My vision is swimming from my nervousness. All I can see is an ocean of people placed in front of me. I can’t mom and Simon. Oh gosh. What if they couldn’t get a seat. What if their tickets weren’t excepted. Especially Simon. Oh gosh. I have to have Simon here. In the midst of all my panic, I can’t hear the judges calling my name.

“Ellie? Ellie can hear me?” calls a judge.

I snap out of my trance and very intelligently reply, “Huh?”

My opponent chuckles humorlessly, “It’s your turn genius.”

Oh my….. I managed to panic during the whole song. It’s my turn… I’m not singing… I can’t… it feels as though my mouth has been glued shut. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye,  I see Simon. He’s smiling. He gives me a small nod of encouragement. Okay. Breathe Ellie. I take a deep breathe and open my mouth and begin singing…

This quote reminds me of something I’ve told my mom. I told her that I never want to lose my child likeness.

Can I just say childness? I don’t think childness is a word but…. ya know…. I like saying childness instead of child likeness. So I apologize if any of y’all have a pet peeve or somethin for incorrect language? Word use? I don’t know which to use. Lets just go with language.

Anyway I told my mom that I don’t want to lose my childness. I look at myself everyday, and even though I see and feel my depression, anger, sadness etc., I see at the same time a child. A child who loves to, in my case, act with her friends. Loves to drive her mom crazy with her dorkiness. Loves to joke with her friends. Loves her family.

I believe everyone has a child inside, it’s just their choice whether or not to let it out. For me, I think I’m going to grow up. One day I’ll have to pay taxes, maybe marriage, maybe have kids, house payment, etc., but I don’t want to lose how weird I am.

When I get married, if I get married, I plan to be able to tell corny jokes no matter how much I annoy my husband.

I want to play on a playground with my kids.

I want to be able to sing in the middle of Walmart without embarrassing myself.

I mean I do that now. I sing wherever. Heck I attempted moon walking once like Michael Jackson. In the middle of a Walmart isle. Because that’s what I do. I don’t want to lose my love for disney, pixar, looney toons, barney, elmo, etc., I love all these shows so much. Part of my childhood.

I’m a sophomore in high school now. I told my mom that it’s crazy, because these are the last few years of my childhood. The last few years. And I have no doubt in mind, that I will remember these years. So much has happened over the past couple years. I made my first real group of friends. I made a best friend. I take acting with these people. And I can’t tell you how much I love acting with them.

At this point they know me well enough to know that if I start jumping in place randomly I’m nervous. I do it before performances, right before I go on stage. Or just when I have jitters in general.

Anyway, that was off topic. So these years I cannot forget. So many memories. Good ones like acting, being weird with my friends. And bad ones, like getting into arguments with my best friend that resulted in us not talking for months. But everything turned out fine. Still acting and being dorks with my friends. Best friends with my best friend. And I hope that I’m still friends with my friends now. That I still get to be a complete weirdo.

So while I have to grow up, I don’t want to lose my immaturity. I don’t want to look in the mirror one day at my curly hair and not think,” Hey I look like Merida.” I plan on keeping my childness. Are you?

Y’all have an amazing week.

– Elizabeth (meyou)